Wrestling and Resolved

autumn grass

I should be asleep
But I can’t close my eyes.
And I can’t make my thoughts stop moving around - It makes me crazy.
My burden wears me down so -  sometimes it’s simply overwhelming
Why do I care so much what they think?
Why do I try to interpret their looks and guess what they think of me?
Why does it matter so much?
Why do I defend myself in my imagination for things I haven’t even said or done or even thought?
How many times have I tried to re-invent myself to meet some “status quo”?
Why do I seek my worth in that?
As needy as I am I push away and try to hide.
I’m angry because I’m disappointed, I’m angry for disappointing myself, for not being who I think I should be... or who they think I should be... or who God says I should be. 
I’m afraid I will never be what I need to be to matter -

I got up and I opened my Bible. Because all my hope comes from there.
I read  “Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation, God is to us a God of deliverances”
The question is now will I believe it, will I receive it and allow it to change my thoughts.
I know from experience that the battle is not over. Tonight I will make this my prayer and I will do battle with these thoughts. 
Because greater is He that is in me... than He that is in the world.


carissa... brown eyed fox said...

"because greater is He that is in me... than He that is in the world."
thank you for sharing...
thank you for a perfect reminder.

Anonymous said...

you have those thoughts too, huh :)