Wrestling and Resolved

I should be asleep

But I can’t close my eyes.

And I can’t make my thoughts stop moving around - It makes me crazy.

My burden wears me down so -  sometimes it’s simply overwhelming

Why do I care so much what they think?

Why do I try to interpret their looks and guess what they think of me?

Why does it matter so much?

Why do I defend myself in my imagination for things I haven’t even said or done or even thought?

How many times have I tried to re-invent myself to meet some “status quo”?

Why do I seek my worth in that?

As needy as I am I push away and try to hide.

I’m angry because I’m disappointed, I’m angry for disappointing myself, for not being who I think I should be... or who they think I should be... or who God says I should be. 

I’m afraid I will never be what I need to be to matter -

I got up and I opened my Bible. Because all my hope comes from there.

I read  “Blessed be the Lord who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation, God is to us a God of deliverances”

The question is now will I believe it, will I receive it and allow it to change my thoughts.

I know from experience that the battle is not over. Tonight I will make this my prayer and I will do battle with these thoughts. 

Because greater is He that is in me... than He that is in the world.